two very important conclusions i came to while hanging out at Jimmy’s Woodlawn Tap on a cold Wednesday night

My friend Matt lives on top of a mountain in a small college town in the middle of Tennessee. Occasionally he leaves his mountaintop to visit other places that are not quite so remote. One of those places was Chicago for a few days. Jacinda and I saw him Wednesday night at Jimmy’s, where we drank some drinks, ate some cheeseburgers, and had some fun.

Matt is one of my favorite people that I hardly ever get to see. I suspect that Jacinda and I are two of his. We spent some time talking about how we wish he could visit Chicago more often when suddenly it occurred to me that really, what Jacinda and I and the rest of Matt’s far-away pals should do is make a pilgrimage to Matt on his mountain for… wait for it… BURNING MATT!

Instead of folks pedaling around a desert for a week bartering beer for batteries, imagine a horde of bourbon-swilling proto-hipsters trying and failing to set up tents near Matt’s house (or apartment, I’m not sure what kind of residence he currently occupies) before giving up and making reservations at the nearest B&B. It could be like The Big Chill only instead of coming together for a friend’s untimely demise it will be to celebrate Matt’s birthday, or maybe a made-up holiday. Who cares? IT’S BURNING MATT!

My other conclusion/idea/whatever is that I need to telephone my dear alma mater and look into setting up a scholarship fund. There would appear to be a dearth in, um, personal beauty in the student population of late. Jacinda and I noticed that the students at Jimmy’s were not as hot as we had been led to believe. What of all the rumors we’d heard from friends and other alumni that campus was overrun by people who could be mistaken for normal non-nerdlinger types that might otherwise be found at a place like Northwestern or DePaul?

A few years ago, an anonymous donor gave $100,000,000 to The College to offset the amount of loans student might otherwise have to take out to pay for their educations. These are known as Odyssey Scholarships. They are awesome.

I’d like to seed Hottie-ssey Scholarships, where students can draw funds that would permit them to, I don’t know, buy conditioner so their hair doesn’t look like hay in the dry winter air. Pay for a session with a stylist, or a new party outfit. That would be fucking incredible.

I expect to hear from the fundraising folks at the U of C shortly.


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