humpday: Urkel, Summerdance, mustache

  • “The House That Urkel Built” [Gapers Block]: Take a trip to the house occupied by the Winslows on “Family Matters”, my favorite Chicago sit-com after, yes, “Perfect Strangers”.
  • 13th Annual Chicago Summerdance kicks off tomorrow, June 11 [Expore Chicago]: Hasn’t been as much fun for me since they killed off the Wednesday night electronic series. My favorite memory is the night Frankie Knuckles played, on the very day that Mayor Daley declared “Frankie Knuckles Day”. A pic of Joe and Jacinda dancing that night is here.
  • “Read John Oates’ mustache musings” [Pop Candy]

PC’s Whitney Matheson’s author photo has got me thinking. Is it just me or does Whitney Matheson’s pic look like she doesn’t want to be picked for dodgeball in gym class? Girl, why are you looking all meek and stuff? You’re hilarious.

Of course, all my avatar pics fall in the “hide the double chin” class of typical insecure fat girl photos (see below):

  • tilt chin up and at angle facing camera: conceals double chin in shadow and might even give you the appearance of cheekbones, assuming the lighting is good (this is my signature move, y’all)
  • kissy face: this emphasizes plump lips (one of the few places left on the body where plumpness is not a crime) or even thin lips with the right lipgloss
  • squeezy tits: aim your cellphone camera at cleavage whilst squeezing your arms underneath to make them appear fuller and higher. Obviously not recommended if you’ve got a rash on your chest from wearing too many synthetic fabric tops from Lane Bryant. You might actually need assistance with this.
  • the eyes have it: Prune the eyebrows, go crazy with the glitter shadow but remember to shade appropriately if you have fat eyelids like me.

Clearly, what I need to do is open a photography studio or a real life “Handsome Boy Modeling School” for the larger lady. I am accepting applications today!

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