twitterpated

A few days ago, I found myself inspired by @leahjones’s question to her Twitter follows:

Who are your celebrity nerd crushes and have you ever met them? Do they tweet you well?

I got to thinking that maybe what Twitter needs is something like #followfriday. Only instead of posting the names of Twitterers worth following, you post the name of the person upon whom you have a crush. Tagged with a hashtag, sealed with a kiss. The hashtag is so that anyone searching for the term #crushsaturday or crushsaturday can see who have crushes on whom. Or is that “has crushes on who”? What happens next?

People getting slammed with follows start blocking new followers or protecting their updates. Users admit having a crush on somebody only to find that the somebody in question hates/fears/is allergic to them. Fan girls and fan boys get into fan fist fights over who is the bigger/better/stronger/looser fan of, say, the bassist from that one band, or that actor who used to be on the sitcom that nobody loved more than you, or Demi Moore (@mrskutcher). I suspect, though, that anyone getting carried away with declarations of devotion will have her husband Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) to contend with.

Maybe some folks do get a chance to connect. You do a search for your own username and you discover that some nice person has tweeted “It’s #crushsaturday and all I wanna do is send a package of conversation hearts to @jasmined because she is funny and has an amazing rack.” Or something like that. You reply or even DM to say “Thanks. It’s really all about having the right bra.” and they reply or DM back and you converse until you either have a friend, a tweetheart, or someone to avoid when they triy to friend you on Facebook. Or you don’t and okay you’re crushed and slightly embarrassed but at least you know. Having a celebrity (or even non-celebrity) crush that is not returned is not the end of the world. Believe me — if it were, I would have packed it in and gone all Eleanor Rigby a long time ago.

I am thinking of someone who tweets me on occasion. And when I say “on occasion”, I really mean “rarely”. He’s a celebrity, he’s cute and smart, and has a few hundred followers.

That’s a lot of other folks to communicate with. And a lot of of those folks are girls (and maybe a few dudes) who, frankly, are more forward than I am. In their tweets, these girls are not afraid to include emoticons that wink, smile, and giggle. I can’t even use numbers instead of letters (4 for “for”, 2 for “to” or “too” or “two”) and I’m a fan of Prince for crying out loud. They have adorable avatars that emphasize their bouncy hair, their sparkling eyes, their rosebud lips, or their prodigious cleavage, all in 700k or less. As for me, the fact that I look like a drag Muppet version of Kim Jong-Il in my avatar (seriously – I’m wearing a bright blue Snuggie!) is not at all helped by the fact that I am totally bad at flirting (you’ve all seen the tweetshot at the top of this post, right?) and immature and sometimes not very bright. I can only hope that #crushsaturday, assuming I or anyone else actually does it — and keep in mind I’m totally okay with chickening out — might get me out of my Snuggie and into something good.

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