1. dumb shit
a. During WGN’s pre-Oscar coverage from the red carpet, the station aired a clip featuring spas popular with celebrities for Oscar-week pampering. I don’t remember the name of the spa in question, but the voiceover for an Asian-owned spa went something like “This Asian-themed spa is where Best Director nominee Ang Lee can return to his Chinese roots.” I was shocked those motherfuckers didn’t include the sound of a gong being struck.
b. Copy in promotional e-mail from Vivre.com: “Vivre introduces a new collection by Andrew Gn, renowned for his couture designs expertly cut from luxurious fabrics and for intricate accessories that fuse an East/West sensibility.” Is it just a coincidence, or is it really true that all Asian and Asian-American designers and artists are required to demonstrate this kind of bilingual, bi-cultural cliche when producing and promoting one’s work? How would you market an Asian designer whose work does not provide the kind of visual clues (or stereotypes) we identify as being “Asian” or “Oriental”?
So I have acceptance speeches, remarks, and statements at the ready should I ever be so fortunate to work my ass off for/be lucky enough to get a Nobel Prize (peace or literature), a “genius grant” from the MacArthur Foundation, Pulitzer, Emmy, Academy Award, Booker Prize, etc. Well, that’s not true. I have ideas, a plan to act modest while looking effortlessly gorgeous in a couture gown (I’m thinking Cavalli, Versace, or any vintage from Lily et Cie or Decades in Hollywood). Naturally, I turn first to the Beastie Boys for some inspiration, specifically track 1 of side 1 of Paul’s Boutique:
To all the Brooklyn boys
To all the French boys
To all the Oriental boys
To all the Swiss boys
To the Italian men
To the Upper East Side nubiles
To all the Jamaican boys
And to the shower dancers
To the Southern Belles
To the Puerto Rican boys
To the cabin boys sailing around the world…
Then I give a shout-out to all the fancy edumucated people I know, the requisite industry/showbiz folks, and then friends. My family, and lastly whoever I’m currently married to, sleeping with, or have retained as my walker for the occasion. If there’s time, I’ll try to say something lovely in my “native language”.
For March 8, 2006, day 8 of the 30 days of jasmine, make sure you watch tonight’s season finale of Project Runway. Oh, and work on your own Oscar acceptance speech.
Usher – Yeah!; Basement Jaxx – Rendez-Vu; Jay-Z & DJ Danger Mouse – 99 Problems (Grey Album)